CULTIVATING AUTHENTICITY
I was on a video chat with a coaching client recently, deep into a conversation about issues on their team at work. It was an intense conversation and as usual, I was taking a few notes as we talked. I had one of my favorite pens in hand, a black Uniball Vision pen. Amidst the note taking, I must have reached up to brush away a stray hair. I say this because It’s the only explanation for the fact that the pen was now lodged deep into my hair. I was sporting a sleek ponytail that day, and somehow the clip on the pen cap had gotten caught in the ponytail. Maybe if I just casually reach up, he won’t notice. I removed the pen from the cap and tried to dislodge the cap my hair. The traitorous cap wasn’t budging. How long could I keep my hands in my hair before my client noticed? Not very long. Ok, here we go. I waited for a pause in the conversation. “Have you ever gotten a pen cap caught in your hair?” I asked my client, his neatly cropped hair looking professional and enviously free of random office supplies. I laughed and pulled my hair out of the ponytail, easily removing the pen cap and then working my hair back into its updo. A minute or less, but one that would have been long and mortifying to me just a few years ago. I was determined to own the moment and laugh about it, embracing the silly things I get up to sometimes. Sure, I could have turned my camera off, claiming connectivity issues or excused myself to the restroom. Maybe that would have been more professional, but where’s the fun in that? I’d rather be myself and show up authentically than be all business all the time.
I wouldn’t always have opted for the head on approach to a potentially embarrassing situation. I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to be professional and polished. My profession, my position as often one of the youngest leaders in the room or one of the only women, made me feel that I needed to be perfect. I thought I had to be buttoned up and prepared at all times. But being the perfect, shiny version of myself was exhausting. It was also hard to connect with others when they only saw the polished version of me. Like looking at someone with a mullet haircut from the front and seeing all business. You miss the party in the back.
What I’ve found is that when I’m accepting of my imperfections and willing to show all of my parts to the world, even the ones that are messy or silly or sporting Uniball pen caps, the world reaches out and embraces them. I make stronger connections with others. They see their own unpolished and imperfect angles reflected in mine.
There are many names for this kind of honesty and openness. I like to think about it as authenticity. For me, authenticity is sharing all of myself, rather than just those well curated parts that look and sound the way I think they should. It’s casting off the external ideas about what I should be and affirming what I really want to be. It’s finding compassion for the parts that aren’t perfect or ideal. Since starting my blog, I’ve written a lot about these imperfect parts of myself. I’ve shared the joys, fears, struggles and humor I experience, and I’ve been rewarded with deep connection. Weekly, I receive messages about how a story or idea struck a chord for someone else. Maybe they’ve had the same experience, the same challenge or fear. It’s not lost on me that what resonates with others is not the perfect parts of my life. It’s sharing the imperfect, wholly authentic parts that creates connection and meaning.
So how do we cultivate authenticity? The good news is, you don’t have to write a blog to share your authentic self. You get to find your own unique way of achieving this. Here are some questions you can ask in order to support a commitment to being authentic:
What is my gut telling me? Pause and do a gut check before proceeding. What path feels the most natural to you?
What would the vulnerable response be? Being authentic usually feels vulnerable. If it feels like you’ll be putting yourself out there, you’re generally on the right track.
What’s the worst that could happen? Sometimes considering the stakes makes it easier to be brave. Ask yourself, “what will happen if I show up truly as myself in this situation? Would that be so bad?”
What’s my support plan? If you do put yourself out there and it doesn’t go well, how will you get back up so you can try again? Is there someone you trust that you can talk to when things go sideways? It’s helpful to have a partner in your pursuit of authenticity.
Are you sharing the most authentic version of yourself, most of the time? With authenticity comes vulnerability and uncertainty. A coach can be a great partner in finding comfort with being totally yourself. Contact me for an exploratory conversation about what coaching can do for you.
