DITCHING THE HARSH INNER CRITIC

“I just want to throw myself in the garbage, Mama.”

My smart, vibrant seven-year-old daughter was upset and angry with herself. Tears tracked down her hot cheeks as she tensed every part of her face and body. I pulled her clenched limbs into an embrace, asking her to breathe. As I sat and listened to her describe her intense feelings of self-loathing, my chest tightened to match her little fists and there was a pressure in my ears that muffled all sound. My visceral response was not only in pain for my daughter, but also in cold recognition.  Hello, destructive inner voice.  I know you.  

It’s hard to know how to respond when we see the jagged parts of ourselves reflected in our kids.  She seems so young to experience such feelings. If I’m honest though, I was probably even younger when that harsh inner voice began finding regular airtime inside my head.  It’s the primal, protective voice that tells us to withhold, to play it safe, to not risk it. We all have this voice. Some of us choose to listen to it rather than silence it. Maybe some of us don’t even know we’re making the choice.

I’m a very driven person.  I’ve been driving myself hard for what seems like forever; probably since I was as old as my daughter is now. Behind that drive was a steady, authoritative voice stripping me down. I’m not likeable enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not talented enough. The voice told me that I just wasn’t enough, so I had to try harder. I thought it was there to push me and drive me towards excellence.  Sure, the voice was a total ass. I wouldn’t dream of talking to someone else that way. But somehow, I thought that it made me better. I listened to it because I thought it served me.

At least, until I found Pema. Thankfully, well in advance of my daughter’s garbage can meltdown.  Pema Chodron, an American Tibetan Buddhist, ordained nun and author, teaches that we can’t truly be compassionate towards others until we find compassion for ourselves. It starts with a kind internal voice.  This voice of self-compassion will give us the love and courage we need to realize our true potential, far beyond anything that mean inner voice could ever drive us towards.

I know what you’re thinking. “Practice Self Compassion by Finding a Kinder Inner Voice” sounds like a meaningless epithet that’s too long to paint onto one of those cute/terrible home décor signs.  I may as well adopt a mantra like “Life’s a Beach” or “Dance Like No One’s Looking.”  Actually, I do really like the dancing bit, I’m just firmly opposed to using it as décor.  But when I look at my beautiful, loving, fragile seven-year-old daughter, this mantra doesn’t seem silly at all. I want her to have all of the self-love and compassion she can have. I want her to be kind to herself and dream big. And if I want it for her, why not for me too?

My truth: I am a driven, disciplined person who wants to achieve big things. I know that listening to the harsh inner voice may be a tempting, but in reality, it is just destructive. That voice filled with fear and judgment and totally lacking in compassion is not going to take me anywhere. It’s just going to keep me from taking risks and thinking big and going after what I really want.

Here is what I’ve come to practice, and what I explained to my sweet girl that day as she cried and breathed and stood clenched in my arms:

Every time you catch that harsh voice trying to tear you down, whether it’s over something big or small, ask yourself what you would say to your best friend. 

Would you tell her that she’s garbage because she got that math problem wrong in front of the whole class?  Or would you smile at her and say, “If you’re not getting them wrong sometimes, you’re not challenging yourself.  You’ll get it next time.”

So when I eat way too many of those Betty Crocker gluten free brownies seriously they are weirdly good, or yell at my kids for the disgusting pee/toothpaste/toilet paper mess they’ve left in the bathroom, or get turned down by a prospective client I was excited to work with, that is what I do.  I think about what I would tell my best friend in this situation, and then I firmly and patiently correct that misguided internal voice.  I choose self-compassion, because that is the path that will take me where I want to go. I tell myself, “You’ll get it next time.”

I’ll share a secret with you. Almost everyone I know struggles with a harsh internal voice in some form or another. Much of the time, our harsh inner critic is part of what is holding us back from achieving what we really want in our careers, our relationships and our purpose. Is your inner voice a jerk that you’re tired of listening to? Finding self-compassion can be transformative. Reach out to learn more about how coaching can help you make this change.