YOU JUST NEED TO SMILE MORE
I connected with a friend recently who shared some of the big challenges she’s facing in the workplace. Maybe you’ve experienced this one. Her boss routinely ignores her ideas and then when her male counterpart makes the same suggestion, her boss perks up and tells him it’s a great idea. Ugh. Unfortunately, my brilliant, talented friend is not alone in this experience. This phenomenon happens so frequently in the workplace that there’s a name for it: bropropriation. Funny, but not funny.
I asked her how she was managing it, and she said that she mostly shrugs it off, but finds it pretty de-motivating. Such a familiar sentiment. I challenged her on it and shared that every time we brush off sexism, we make it harder for the next woman. Sound advice. And yet. I’ve also kept quiet and shrugged it off myself. So many times.
I can’t recall the first time I brushed off workplace sexism. During the early days of my career, I just pretended it didn’t exist. I was a child of the 80’s and had consumed all kinds of careless messages about the success of the 70’s feminist movement. “We’re all done with feminism! Things are equal now! Time to move on!” My generation of women was supposed to be able to do anything, be anything we wanted. The result: when I bumped into obstacles, I figured it must just be me, and not a systematic form of oppression. Just get on with it, work harder, be better.
Further into my career, it became more difficult to pretend sexism didn’t exist. As I rose in power and responsibility, the disparities were far less subtle. I once counted a meeting in the boardroom where women were interrupted no less than 17 times. It was a 60-minute meeting! As one of three women in the room, I wasn’t even doing much talking. I was too busy counting. I couldn’t just work harder to make this go away.
The low point was a performance review I received while at the very top of my game that read, “Loala has a great sense of humor and smile. It would be great for everybody to see this a bit more.” The feedback went on to suggest that I could improve my performance by “laughing more” and “softening the edge.” As I read the review with my boss sitting in front of me, I felt like I had left my body. Everything sounded under water as my boss sought to expand on the feedback, sharing that some of my colleagues felt I was too hard on them, that my expectations were too high. I just sat and listened, focusing on not crying. I was certain that none of my male counterparts were being told they needed to show their pretty smile more often, or that they needed to be softer. Sexism in the workplace was now right in my (pretty little) face. And also, written into my employee record.
Discrimination in performance feedback is incredibly common. Women are often criticized as abrasive in performance reviews, according to a report done for Fortune.com. Yep, definitely not just me. That report also found that women received more critical feedback in performance reviews than men. Faced with this situation, I tried to give feedback, to be clear on my needs and expectations, and stand up for myself. I made progress in some ways, but mostly I just felt like I was banging my head against the wall. Which eventually leads to a concussion. And possibly less smiling. In the end, I did what a lot of women do in these situations. I voted with my feet and left the organization.
Today I work for myself. I’m in control of my work environment and I choose who I work with. When I experience sexism, I say exactly what I think about it. I support other women through coaching, and together we chip away at the obstacles that get in the way of equality in the workplace. I still feel sick when I think about what I put up with, shrugged off or explained away in the corporate world. And yes, I feel sad for how much harder that made it for the next woman. Now I’m helping to make it better.
Here are some ways that you can make it better too:
Find your affinity group: Have your colleagues (male or female!) picked up on the bropropriation or serial interruptions? Recruit them to support you in amplifying your ideas, or nudging the conversation back to you when you’re interrupted. Reciprocate the support.
Educate yourself: Experiencing something that feels off, but not sure whether it’s just you? Do some research. There’s something powerful about learning how others experience sexism and how they respond to it. It often gives me courage to respond the same way.
Be brave about feedback: What do you want to say to those perpetuating sexism in the workplace? What are the costs of delivering that message? Sometimes, the real costs can be less than we fear them to be. Occasionally, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the response. (Though of course, not always.)
Escalate as needed: You don’t have to go it alone. You can escalate up the chain within your organization or seek help from outside resources. I’ll be real here- there’s always risk of retaliation. It’s illegal, but it does happen. Just go into it with eyes wide open and an awareness of your rights.
Are you tired of shrugging it off? I’d love to hear about your experiences and learn how I can help. Reach out to schedule time to chat.
