DEEPER CONVERSATIONS
A few years ago, as I was planning for a weekend getaway with my husband, I bought a deck of Conversation Cards. The deck description promised “Conversation starters for great relationships.” Great relationships? Yes please! The deck arrived in the mail a few days before our trip, a black box of cards labeled Our Moments. Yes, the marketing was painfully cheesy. And I couldn’t wait to bust them out.
I showed them to my husband and his face tangled into a (predictably) painful grimace. “Seriously?” he asked, looking over the box with “Couples” written in red swirly font. “Why yes, seriously,” I told him. “Either this or you’ll have to find your own creative ways to drum up scintillating conversation. No pressure!”
Over the years, the conversation cards have become a good inside joke. He’ll do his best to disappear the cards, and I’ll find them again. I’ll pull them out of a drawer and raise an eyebrow at him, just to get a reaction. I’ll threaten to go get them when he’s having a particularly introverted evening. Admittedly though, the cards have also been a boon for me. Why? Because I crave deeper conversations with the people in my life. I’m intensely curious about what my loved ones think and feel. I wish I could peer directly into their minds and view their thoughts laid out on an orderly, systematic grid.
Since there is no such map and I’m not a mind reader as far as I know, I rely on interesting questions to feed my desire for deeper sharing. I love to sit with friends and chew on bigger ideas together. The end of the old year and beginning of the new one is prime time for me, because people are feeling more reflective. I use this to my full advantage at family gatherings, dinner parties, anywhere I have a semi-captive audience. Amidst the toddler chatter at a Mexican restaurant with my sisters’ families, I start asking about intentions for the coming year. What do they want to accomplish? What kind of fun do they want to have? During a New Year’s Eve gathering with friends, I pull up a list of End of Year Reflections and start firing off questions.
Pick three words to describe this past year.
What’s one new thing you tried this year?
What’s your most embarrassing moment of the year?
What is the most important lesson you learned?
Name one event that had a big impact on you.
What was your favorite song of the year?
What is the biggest problem you solved this year?
Sometimes my friends and family roll their eyes at me. Sometimes they fizzle out after just one or two questions. But often, one of them will offer something deeply insightful. Or I’ll hear about an experience of theirs that I might never have learned of. I’ve found that even though most of us aren’t socially wired to just naturally go deep with conversation, we embrace it when the opportunity presents itself. And so I keep at it. With the lists of questions. The cheesy cards.
I do this because I don’t mind the teasing and eye rolling. Well, not very much anyways. Having deeper conversations gives me a stronger connection to the people in my life. They bring new insights and teach me new things. Most importantly, they help me see our common experiences and reinforce that whatever I’m experiencing, others are as well.
Do you seek meaningful conversations with your friends and family? Here are some of the ways I like to get beyond the surface and create more profound conversations.
Go for a walk or a drive. There’s something about movement that loosens the mind up and makes conversation flow more freely.
Seize the smaller opportunities. When a friend shares something, ask a few great follow up questions. What was your favorite part of that? What does that mean to you? What would you do next time? I do this with my kids all the time, since they’re still learning to have great conversations.
Set aside the time. Is there an evening during the week that is designated for conversation? I find the key is to keep the screens off and see what happens. Maybe it’s a chance to connect with someone in your household, or call someone you don’t see often.
Use conversation prompts. Had to include this one! There are a lot of games and cards you can purchase to provide some inspiration. There are also free online resources that offer great questions targeted to a specific topic or occasion.
Many of the clients I work with are seeking deeper connections- with their colleagues, clients, friends and family. Reach out for an exploratory coaching conversation.
