BANKING WITH SEXISM
I honeymooned in Bali years ago. In my imagination, it was the most exotic and beautiful place I could visit in celebration of marrying my soulmate. The Bali idea had been planted in my mind more than a decade earlier, as a college student with an old TV that got just a few basic channels. You watched what was on or you went back to studying. I often opted for what was on. There was a travel show back then, hosted by the actor that played Phillip Banks, the dad on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. James Avery. I had to look it up. He travelled to Bali on one of the episodes. Sarongs and monkeys and temples and scooters. That was it for me. I had to go to Bali someday.
Bali was everything I hoped it would be. Beautiful beaches, rich culture and traditions built around a triangulation of religions, lush landscapes and arts. All of that, and even some things I hadn’t bargained for. Bali, at least in the time that I was there, upheld very traditional patriarchal ideals, even for its western tourists. This wasn’t the first country I’d ever visited that was like this, yet it still surprised and if I’m honest enraged me. The blissful haze of my honeymoon was parted on several occasions when I was confronted with in-your-face sexism that I was unaccustomed to managing. A tour guide told me I was “just a weak woman.” A hotel clerk at a five star international resort looked at me as though I had four heads when I went to pay the bill at checkout. He must have spent a good 10 minutes looking at my credit card.
I was pulled back into these memories recently as I went through the process of taking out a mortgage on my new house. In the US, in present day. I was highly motivated to move, and so I was the one who initiated the mortgage loan application. It made sense that I listed myself first on the application, since I was the one filling it out. I went on to happily manage most of the aspects of the lending process, until we got to escrow. The escrow team, from what I could tell, was a group of competent professional women. Which made it very confusing when they started contacting my husband with all of their questions. Why would they call him to set the signing appointment? I just emailed them about our preferred date and time.
I shrugged it off as mildly annoying, until the evening that a notary came over to help us through the signing process. As she settled our stack of papers for signature, she commented, “I’ve been doing this for years, and there have been only a handful of times when the wife was listed first on the loan documents.” I raised an eyebrow and looked down at my name listed first on the bank documents. “Even in cases I’ve seen where the husband has no income, he was listed first,” she went on to tell me. When we got to the escrow company’s documents, I realized what they had done. Even though I was listed first on the loan, the escrow company had switched all of their documents to list my husband first. This team of professional women had gone out of their way to reverse the names and put me in my place. Apparently, second place is the woman’s place.
Some reading this may think that it is no big deal, that I shouldn’t be so sensitive. It’s just an escrow document. Would Phillip Banks get bent out of shape about this? I can almost get myself there. But not quite. I look at my fierce, creative, eager daughter and I think about her growing up in a world that tells her she’s just a weak woman. In so many different ways. I think about women I know that are afraid to identify as a feminist. A term that simply means women are equal to men. And I just can’t let it go.
I emailed the escrow company, sharing my disappointment in their process and my hope for a change. To their credit, they responded quickly. Their answer: “Sorry, our system is a little outdated.” And that’s it, isn’t it? The whole damn system is outdated. And we just excuse it away. Oh isn’t that quirky and antiquated. The woman always comes second! To top it all off, as women we’re taught to be agreeable. Don’t be critical. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Don’t tell them that their system sucks and it needs to change.
I’m not going to be agreeable. I’m not going to bank with or transact with companies that decide that “a little outdated” or “a little patriarchal” is ok. I’m tired of death by a thousand paper cuts. And I’m going to keep pushing back hard on this wherever I see it.
When’s the last time you excused away an ism? Sexism, Racism, Ableism, Ageism. There are so many of them in front of us every day. I know, I’ve done it too. I believe that these small, everyday transgressions are so easy to brush aside, yet they are the foundation of what we need address in order to see real change.
Speaking up can be so hard. Have you found your voice? A coach can be a great partner in understanding what issues are important to you and finding the courage to support them. Reach out for a free exploratory session.
