CARRYING AROUND THE BAGGAGE
I come from a long line of women who have been betrayed and abandoned. Dramatic, I know. But it’s true. My great grandmother told me stories about her husband showing up after a night out and demanding that she cook both him and his mistress breakfast. At some point, he stopped coming home at all. And good riddance. She raised four children on her own, growing vegetables, tending chickens and taking care of the elderly. Her daughter, my grandmother, married young and had her first baby at 17. A decade later, her husband left her and her three boys for another woman. She was a 1960’s housewife with no job skills and no child support. She worked as a waitress and in factories, trying to ignore the stigmas assigned to her as a divorced woman in a small rural town.
My own mother experienced the pain of betrayal after my 14th birthday. My dad decided that he was in love with his high school sweetheart, and after nearly a year of back and forth that almost destroyed us all, eventually moved out of our house and in with the other woman. Again, good riddance. The moral of our family story was this: men will betray you and leave you high and dry. Period.
In the past, when I’ve heard about multi-generational trauma, I had a vague impression of current generations absorbing the experiences of their ancestors through some sort of mystical osmosis. I’d take a yoga class and the instructor would urge us to “let go of the traumas of our ancestors.” I’d vaguely shake my head and take some extra deep breaths while posing in down dog. I just didn’t get it. Recently, I read a work of fiction called The Push by Ashley Audrain. Audrain’s book is raw and layered, and brings the concept of multi-generational trauma into clear focus. The women in the book suffer abuse and abandonment across generations, and the experiences of each mother inform the way she relates with her daughter.
I read the book with dawning and somewhat sickening recognition. Multi-generational trauma is not experienced through some form of cosmic osmosis. And apparently, you can’t deeply breathe it out of your system. It’s as simple as our parents passing on the baggage they carry around in the ways they interact with us. This definition of multi-generational trauma as past baggage informing contemporary relationships was much clearer to me. The new understanding dragged me deep into reflection about three women in my family: my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. What had their experiences taught me, and how did those lessons shape my outlook on life?
I see now that multi-generational experiences are hugely impactful, and they cut both ways. When I open up that dusty carpet bag of inherited life experiences, I discover things that are bright and beautiful as well as things that are dark and mildewed. My great grandmother taught me to mistrust the loyalties of the men in my life. Yet she also taught me the power of an industrious and determined work ethic. The woman never sat down for a second. My grandmother made me feel that if you didn’t look out for yourself, no one else would. Out of necessity, she had learned a fierce independence. Yet she also showed me what it was like to be a strong and confident woman who didn’t take any s*!t from anyone. I’ve drawn from her strength so many times in my life. My mother’s experiences made me feel that when you’re vulnerable, people take advantage of you. And she also taught me how important and powerful forgiveness is.
It’s eye-opening to reflect on this mixed-up stew that has given me sustenance throughout my life. Yes, I’ve certainly felt the trauma these women have experienced. It’s been present in the harsh messages they’ve given me about life and in the rough treatment I’ve sometimes received from them. But I’ve also felt their strength and resilience. I’ve absorbed their experiences of overcoming trauma and making something better for their lives. I’ve tried on some of their best attributes and, finding them fitting, kept them for myself. Most importantly, I have found the gift of personal agency. I can break the cycle of trauma. I can discard the messages of mistrust and believe wholeheartedly in the love and loyalty of my spouse. I can be fiercely independent and still rely on others in important ways. I can show vulnerability without fear and forgive others when I need to.
With new awareness, comes new appreciation. All told, I’m grateful for the baggage. By carrying all of it around, I’m equipped with the wisdom of many lifetimes. Certainly, some of my luggage comes at great cost. Each of us has experienced the collective grief and passed it on. There’s healing to be done, and healing is always achievable. My careful choices will lessen the trauma that my own children experience and translate to a happier life for them. Just understanding this brings me closer to that goal.
Maybe you’re like me, and just beginning to understand what multi-generational trauma really is and how it may affect you. A coach can be a great partner in building awareness and making clear choices to stop the cycle. Reach out if you want to explore working together.
